He weaponized my family dysfunction...
I shared too much about my family, and he used it against me.
I took these excerpts from my book, How To Kill Your Spouse. Go to www.ideyforyou.com/bcba
“I came into this country confused. There was so much chaos in my life. My relationship with my partner was not one I was proud of. It was toxic, but I was too afraid to leave. I was afraid for my children. I was also afraid of being judged. I am a child to a single parent, and leaving my marriage meant I was going to end up like her. People thought I was okay, but I knew something was wrong with me. I could not explain it. I was meant to be happy because I had been awarded a fully-funded scholarship. I was meant to be happy, because I had been issued a study visa, after a previous denial. Shane, who do you tell you are unhappy? But I was not happy, Shane. No, I was not. ”
***
“I think it makes so much sense to me now, Shane! I understand why my feelings for Kem would not go away. He validated me without even knowing it. He was like a safe haven from everything I was running away from. From my mother. From my partner. My inner child was running away from taking care of her wounds. She was running towards Kem. She did not want to take care of her own wounds, BY HERSELF. The wounds my mother inflicted on me as a child, and as a teenager, for neglecting me. The wounds my step-father inflicted on me as a child, for making me watch, as he hit my mother. The wounds my step-brothers inflicted on me, for making me touch their private parts. I did not forgive these people for the pain they caused me. I did not forgive my mother especially.
Then the universe simply brought in my way my wounds, which then manifested in my partner. I then had to live with my partner, who was simply mothering me. Repeating the same pattern I was running away from. The pattern of nurturing, neglect, validation, invalidation, love then abuse. He continued to repeat the same pattern. That he was over 16 years older than me, made me think his age meant maturity. I felt as though he would be the father figure I did not have. I felt as though I would receive from him, the father’s love I never had.”
Hmm. I also remembered he had always weaponized the dysfunction in my family to keep me stuck. Take a look at the messages below.
Lessons
You see, we attract our childhood trauma when we are not mindful.
What we are running from, we often attract as friends/lovers/bosses.
That is why violence and abuse are not limited to interpersonal contexts, but also organizational contexts. These evils are everywhere.
I made a Youtube video and Podcast, describing what family dysfunction is, and how if you are mindful, heal and awake, and parent yourself, you will not seek outside validation, which makes you attract these kinds of people.
Watch here:
Listen here: https://anchor.fm/bisola-mariam/episodes/Family-Dysfunction-1-e1fss1l
I know there is a root to every traumatic events. I know most traumas are a result of family backgrounds, and these experiences shape how we show up in other interactions, and with clarity, you can begin to change your life.
How do you get clarity if you don’t know what Clarity of Vision is.
I created the clarity of vision program or COV for you.
Get it here.
My birthday is on May 31st, and I will be celebrating this milestone with my friends in Chicago.
Buy a ticket to attend/to support ideyforyou’s mission to empower survivors of domestic violence.
Your Queen,
Bisola-Mariam
Thank you still. I think it's safe to call you Bisola?😅. I'm now immersed in this thread. For raquel and sequel are just cliffhangers. 🏃🏿♂️