Stop Yelling, Start Leading: What Kind Of Leader Are You?
It is not you, it is your trauma! But understand these 2- and practice these 2!
“People are so difficult to work with.”
“I hate to say this, but how can I ever let go, when people can’t take simple instructions?”
Maybe those lines ain’t familiar, keep reading.
Most of the work we do at ideyforyou is remote, and I have worked with people, from different parts of the world. Working with different people, means you are dealing with different personalities.
Carrying those personalities are bodies, that have experienced various degrees of trauma.
I used to work at at a nonprofit, where the operations director, grew up in a domestic violence situation. I was her subordinate, and as you know, I grew up in and survived domestic violence (relationship) too. As the leader of my team, she was not consultative in her leadership approach. I remember her always seeking control by all means.
I felt very frustrated, and a few other staff members like myself, left the organization because they could not work with her.
Here is my best guess: she had always felt powerless, lacking control, and helpless in her childhood, and she felt the need to control everyone she worked with.
Given my experience with control freaks- especially narcissists, I resisted this person.
To protect myself, I would make sure to keep all records or facts so that when she was in denial of my reality, I referred to the facts.
In my work across industries, I have seen many control freaks- as clients, executive clients, company directors, instructors, researchers, students, supervisors, etc.
Here is the thing, I am not calling anyone out, but here to offer you a new perspective:
“Consider the idea that it is not you, it is your trauma
Let’s consider these two leaders and two things you can learn if you are one or the other.
Controller Leader: You tell your team members to schedule the newsletter for the month. Ideally, this person does the editing and scheduling of these communication materials, but you ask to see the report, then make several comments, and keep calling/texting or holding several calls to see if it is done.
Several things can suggest why you do this. One, every time you depend on others, you feel like you are losing control; two, you even feel anxious and vulnerable; three, to reduce these feelings, you go into the safety mode- CONTROL.
What can you do? Create different action plans, but never use them until one fails. If you feel the need to control, it could be time to consider what the worst-case scenarios would be.
While you prepare, resist the urge to micro-manage, or control outcomes until the timeline for the project is not met. Keep a list of all other options you can explore. Make a list of all the things that can go wrong, so you are not attached to control. Make a list of all the things that can work as well.
No Control Leader: Bridget has asked to be excused three times a week. Afraid of being alone as saying no, or setting boundaries with those you are in a relationship with, makes you feel anxious, or powerless, so you keep tolerating Bridget’s excesses. Your lack of boundaries causes you to keep attracting and tolerating poor attitude to work. You see those who are working for you, as helping you, even when you pay them. It is a virtue to be a peace-loving leader. Bear in mind that you stand the risk of being taken for granted. Bridget could land another offer tomorrow, and despite your excessively accommodating leadership, she could still leave your team!
What can you do?
Remember to set strong consequences for poor work ethic. While you accommodate, set strong boundaries. Practice tactical empathy and not sympathy. Remember that there are amazing talents excited to work with you, as soon as you can replace the manipulative and overbearing ones. Remember, there is enough in the universe, and there is a replacement for everyone- even Bridget.
So, I could only share about these two leaders, what will you add to the list?
During the Polsky Small Business Workshop, we will consider how the traumas of leaders(social entrepreneurs), impact how they budget for their marketing goals or generally handle the daily operations of their social enterprises.
Register here if you are in Chicago.
See you on Friday, May 17, 2024, 12pm-2pm, CST.
Please do not register if you are not in Chicago, and will not be able to attend live.