Understanding your attachment styles.
From the book, Broken Child, Broken Adult...
We are on day 36, abundance tribe!!!!
From the book, broken child, broken adult...
"Understanding your attachment style...
Let us talk about the types of attachment styles. Before that, let's talk about the theory.
Attachment theory was proposed by John Bowlby. The theory is popular in the field of interpersonal communication, psychology, social work and law, among others.
The theory simply explains that the relationship that a child has with a first caregiver, will influence the child 's interpersonal relationships with others.
There are three popular attachment styles. Although some scholars believe there are more than three types. I am also inclined to think there are three.
These attachment styles are: secure, insecure and ambivalent attachment styles.
a. Secure attachment style. This is when a child's caregiver is available to nurture the child, and provides the child with everything necessary to thrive. This caregiver is always available to meet the emotional needs of the child and would never dismiss, invalidate the child.
A child with a secure attachment, feels safe, feels loved, and is able to relate with a caregiver in a health way, since these qualities have been developed by availability of the caregiver in this child's life. It goes to say that a caregiver who treats the child this way, is a healthy caregiver.
This caregiver may have codependent traits, however this caregiver is one who is able to set boundaries, and doesn't tolerate unruly behavior from a child despite the empath in him or her.
Here's what happens to a child with a secure attachment style. The way in which such a child shows up in adulthood is different. The child is able to trust people. The child doesn't feel insecure and will never hurt someone else because this child feels safe. Here is what a relationship looks like for someone with a secure attachment : Such adult feels safe in a relationship with a partner. Such doesn't feel intimidated by the success of the other partner. Such will never inflict pain on self or a partner, even when such adult is hurting.
Now, here's the fact; Not everyone had a mills and boon childhood. I mean you are reading this journal because there's something you are trying to clean up. Some mess, however small that might be.
Let's proceed...
There's another attachment style. It's the Insecure attachment style. It is the opposite of the secure attachment style. A child with an Insecure attachment is never safe, and never trusts a caregiver.
This is because the caregiver is inconsistent. The caregiver is unstable. Just think about a child whose primary caregiver was always traveling. The child didn't get a chance to bond. The child grows up knowing several caregivers-uncles, aunts,grand parents etc. This instability confuses the child and makes the child wonder: Who can I talk to?
Think about this other case study; Children who never lived with their parents, and have been moved to several homes, may feel unsafe and might be conditioned to think that something will go wrong.This is not the child's fault.
Here is when it becomes a problem. If a child grows up into an adult with an insecure attachment, the adult will find it hard to trust or have a relationship that is non-toxic. The broken child, now an adult will forever think that something will go wrong in the relationship. Even more, the adult is constantly trying to use a relationship with a partner to fill a void from childhood.
If you remember my story in my first book, which you have in addition to this journal, you will understand what an insecure attachment feels like. I grew up with an insecure attachment and in my case, I came codependent, who thinks that kindness can make me win a broken partner.
It doesn't work that way. Also, my attachment style was the reason I attracted my kind of partner. It was clear that due to my insecurity, I was looking to fill a void-I didn't have an available caregiver. So I had a void which at the beginning of my relationship with my ex, I was trying to fill. Again, it does not work that way.
Over time, I grew weary of the relationship, such that it had to take me getting attached to someone else to help me see that I was an insecure codependent, who was in relationship with an insecure narcissist. That definitely is a dangerous combination.
Remember my feelings for Kem in the same story. This was me trying to fill avoid as well. I was getting attached to Kem, because I was beginning to feel safe around him, because of his caring nature-something my inner child didn't get from her first caregiver.
It is a very troublesome thing to have lived with an unavailable caregiver, and if you are not careful, you will everyday as an adult, trying to feel that void.
It had to take a situation that ensued between Kem and I to break the attachment that was growing between us- I explained this in my first book. You should read that story too.
Here is something you must remember today; It is not your fault what happened to you as a child, that now has left you broken. It is not your fault if you had an insecure attachment style with your first caregiver. It is now your responsibility to make changes.
Do not replace everyone you fall in love with or you choose to date/marry with your first caregiver. What I mean is, do not try to use a lover/ partner to repair your childhood.
If there is something your first caregiver did not give your inner child, that has now made you broken, unsafe or traumatized, give it to yourself. Become your own caregiver.
While at it, shine your eyes, be vigilant so you know if you are attracting the brokenness from your childhood, or you are attracting the healing in your adulthood.
Your self care activity today.
Activity #6
1. Which of my parent (if you have two) do I resist that I keep attracting in my love relationships?
2. Who is in my past that I am yet to forgive?
3. Do I keep attracting people who are everything like the person I am yet to forgive?
4. Who or what do I turn to, when I feel unsafe, broken or simply angry?
5. Is there a pattern from my childhood playing out in my interpersonal relationships?”
I made a Podcast and YouTube video explaining what I share here.
Watch and listen here 👇🏿
Watch here:
Listen here: https://anchor.fm/bisola-mariam/episodes/Understanding-your-attachment-style-e1ihr86
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