Was your caregiver hot and cold at the same time?
This episode 37 of my 60 days series.
Let's talk about the third attachment style. It is the ambivalent attachment style. The ambivalent attachment style is a combination of secure and insecure attachment styles.
This attachment style is very common. This happens when the caregiver is inconsistent and unstable. This is when a caregiver is kind, and unkind at the same time. When a caregiver is available sometimes, and unavailable at other times, it confuses the child.
A scenerio: A caregiver or parent is available, and suddenly travels, and soon returns again to stay with the child. This child gets used to the idea that the caregiver can be available and unavailable at will. There is a thin line between ambivalent and insecure. While insecure means that the caregiver is never available, ambivalent suggests that the caregiver can be available sometimes. But not all the time.
Here's something to think about. If you had a caregiver who was inconsistent, available to validate you sometimes, and unavailable at other times, you may develop an ambivalent attachment.
This suggests that in your relationship with others, you may show up as someone who is emotionally available and unavailable at the same time. You learned this attachment style, and it will take some conscious effort to become a better person to not repeat a familiar pattern.
Another thing to think about is that you can also attract someone with an ambivalent attachment style. If you were raised by an inconsistent caregiver, you are used to be cared for or loved in an inconsistent way; therefore, you will more than likely attract what you inner child is familiar with.
You see why it is very crucial who you attract in relationships?
If you have the part of my book, where I shared about my childhood and the attachment style I developed, and how that was the reason for the kind of men I kept attracting, you will understand why it took me several years to end my marriage. For context, my partner had an insecure attachment style, and so did I. I was used to having an emotionally available and unavailable caregiver, and when this became a pattern in our relationship, I didn't see the problem. It was the familiar.
It is ironical how we end up attracting what we are often running away from.
Activity #7
Do I have an insecure attachment style?
Do I display an insecure attachment style in my love relationships?
Do the people I attract in love relationships have ambivalent attachment styles?
What steps will I take to heal and develop a secure attachment style and also attract someone with the same?
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