This thread will have me sharing what I have learned in my healing journey and what I am learning daily.
Let’s begin with how I handled triggers.
I know how hard it is to exist- or live the last 18 months without my children. In fact, their pictures trigger me. Hearing children's songs play is triggering.
People asking me about them is so triggering.
But, again. This article is not about me. It is about how you can handle your triggers.
Here are some things you can do.
Identify those things that are triggering for you.
For me, certain songs are triggering. Watching very emotional movies are triggering. In fact, horror movies will give me serious palpitations and anxiety.
So, if you just lost a family member, or lost a child (miscarriage) or are mourning a relationship Whatever it is. This is not the time to visit people naming babies. Or someone’s engagement party. Or a funeral.
Our endurance levels vary, but one thing is sure, you must take care of yourself, and avoid things that will trigger you!
I hope this helps.
If you have had to handle trauma in the past, how did you deal with that?
Please share.
PS: If you have a goal that is healing-related, join our membership program on selar.co/COV
You attract people who hurt you, because you are hurting yourself.
You attract people who make you feel less, because you don't think you are worth more.
You tolerate abusers, because you constantly feel the need to be seen.
Here are are 3 reasons you keep attracting toxic people.
1. Your attachment style
The primary reason we attract toxic people, is because of our attachment styles. We all have different attachment styles, which is primarily a result of the relationship we had with the primary caregivers in our lives. The relationship you had with a caregiver, shapes the relationship you have with other people, your ability to set boundaries, among other things. An example: If you had an abusive father, who would make you fearful as a child, you probably may developed an insecure attachment style. "You are trying to not get people angry. You are constantly worried that someone will be displeased with you." So, you will keep showing up this way, including in other relationships.
2. Your childhood trauma. Considering how you were(or may have been) treated as a child, your inner child became wounded, and you try to make other people happy, even though you are unhappy. You know why? You want to give others what you never had growing up. You are traumatized. But, you are not even aware.
3. Your need for validation. Since you are traumatized, you feel the only way to be seen, heard, and loved (the things you didn't get as a child) is to have people say you are "a good listener", "a good friend", "if you need someone to do something for you, she is the person." Hearing such feedbacks from people, make you feel wanted. Accepted. But, it is okay to set boundaries.
To refuse to be taken for granted. To refuse to let someone hurt you.
But you do need some fixing yourself. You need some healing. You need some help.
Are you ready to do the work?
Go to selar.co/cov to join the clarity of vision program, to join our healing coaching community.
Again, would you rather keep living your life like this, or you want to become a better person?
Take advantage of my healing program. Go to selar.co/cov (or copy and paste the link)
When people exit toxic relationships, one of the challenges is the fear that you may never find a good person again. The reason you stayed too long in the abuse in the first place.
But, that you will never find true love is a myth, and I want you to know that.
However, finding a soul mate, or a healthy person won't fall on your lap! You will have to work for it!
You will have to heal for it!
You will have to desire it!
You will have to goal for it. Yes, that is my way of saying, you have to set a goal to have it!
Here are some steps you should take to attract a healthy love again.
1. Forgive all those who abused or hurt you. I think this is the most difficult part, but how do you attract something better, if you are still holding on to something bitter. How does that add up? Think about how you hated one of your parents, so much that you then attracted that parent in a partner. Did you ever think about that? If you must be free, you have to let them all go! Yes, all your abusers. Release them all!
2. Forgive yourself. Sometimes, we find it easier to forgive others, and not ourselves. But, I need you to forgive yourself! Without this, you can heal your hurts.
3. Heal. Yes, forgiving yourself, will make you look upon yourself, with empathy. You will take interest in yourself in a way you have never done. You will begin to see yourself! There lies your healing, my friend!
4. Allow yourself to make mistakes. I think that when you try to start over again, you may never think of how normal it is to make mistakes. You should not be too hard on yourself. You may even attract people who have similar personality types, names, interests or hobbies, like your abuser. Yes, those may trigger you, and make you afraid- thinking you have attracted the same person, in another skin. No, stop overthinking. Also, acknowledge that even if this person is everything like your former abuser, you are definitely in a better place, and you can make more informed decisions.
5. Set a goal, and plan to attract what you want. Yes, if you do not prepare for love, you will not recieve love. Love only thrives where there is healing. Where there is joy. Do not accommodate hurts-unforgiveness-pain-sadness, as they will repel the energy of love.
Love is here, dear one.
Prepare, and receive!
I want you to consider joining healing community for survivors. Please get access to that program at selar.co/cov or send us an email at payments@ideyforyou.com to get access.
3 REASONS YOU KEEP ATTRACTING TOXIC PEOPLE
You attract people who hurt you, because you are hurting yourself.
You attract people who make you feel less, because you don't think you are worth more.
You tolerate abusers, because you constantly feel the need to be seen.
Here are are 3 reasons you keep attracting toxic people.
1. Your attachment style
The primary reason we attract toxic people, is because of our attachment styles. We all have different attachment styles, which is primarily a result of the relationship we had with the primary caregivers in our lives. The relationship you had with a caregiver, shapes the relationship you have with other people, your ability to set boundaries, among other things. An example: If you had an abusive father, who would make you fearful as a child, you probably may developed an insecure attachment style. "You are trying to not get people angry. You are constantly worried that someone will be displeased with you." So, you will keep showing up this way, including in other relationships.
2. Your childhood trauma. Considering how you were(or may have been) treated as a child, your inner child became wounded, and you try to make other people happy, even though you are unhappy. You know why? You want to give others what you never had growing up. You are traumatized. But, you are not even aware.
3. Your need for validation. Since you are traumatized, you feel the only way to be seen, heard, and loved (the things you didn't get as a child) is to have people say you are "a good listener", "a good friend", "if you need someone to do something for you, she is the person." Hearing such feedbacks from people, make you feel wanted. Accepted. But, it is okay to set boundaries.
To refuse to be taken for granted. To refuse to let someone hurt you.
But you do need some fixing yourself. You need some healing. You need some help.
Are you ready to do the work?
Go to selar.co/cov to join the clarity of vision program, to join our healing coaching community.
Again, would you rather keep living your life like this, or you want to become a better person?
Take advantage of my healing program. Go to selar.co/cov (or copy and paste the link)
You can also email us via payments@ideyforyou.com
Take care.
Your co-survivor,
Bisola-Mariam
WILL I EVER FIND TRUE LOVE?
When people exit toxic relationships, one of the challenges is the fear that you may never find a good person again. The reason you stayed too long in the abuse in the first place.
But, that you will never find true love is a myth, and I want you to know that.
However, finding a soul mate, or a healthy person won't fall on your lap! You will have to work for it!
You will have to heal for it!
You will have to desire it!
You will have to goal for it. Yes, that is my way of saying, you have to set a goal to have it!
Here are some steps you should take to attract a healthy love again.
1. Forgive all those who abused or hurt you. I think this is the most difficult part, but how do you attract something better, if you are still holding on to something bitter. How does that add up? Think about how you hated one of your parents, so much that you then attracted that parent in a partner. Did you ever think about that? If you must be free, you have to let them all go! Yes, all your abusers. Release them all!
2. Forgive yourself. Sometimes, we find it easier to forgive others, and not ourselves. But, I need you to forgive yourself! Without this, you can heal your hurts.
3. Heal. Yes, forgiving yourself, will make you look upon yourself, with empathy. You will take interest in yourself in a way you have never done. You will begin to see yourself! There lies your healing, my friend!
4. Allow yourself to make mistakes. I think that when you try to start over again, you may never think of how normal it is to make mistakes. You should not be too hard on yourself. You may even attract people who have similar personality types, names, interests or hobbies, like your abuser. Yes, those may trigger you, and make you afraid- thinking you have attracted the same person, in another skin. No, stop overthinking. Also, acknowledge that even if this person is everything like your former abuser, you are definitely in a better place, and you can make more informed decisions.
5. Set a goal, and plan to attract what you want. Yes, if you do not prepare for love, you will not recieve love. Love only thrives where there is healing. Where there is joy. Do not accommodate hurts-unforgiveness-pain-sadness, as they will repel the energy of love.
Love is here, dear one.
Prepare, and receive!
I want you to consider joining healing community for survivors. Please get access to that program at selar.co/cov or send us an email at payments@ideyforyou.com to get access.
https://selar.co/cov
Happy Valentine's Day
Your Queen,
Bisola-Mariam
2/14/2023 11:18pm CST, Chicago, Illinois.